I do not speak Spanish and I have no idea if the title of this hodgepodge of a post makes any sense, because I basically made up that first word.
So be it.
More to the point:
Number Of Things I Need To Get Done As Soon As Possible: One trillion million gazillion.
Percentage Of My Christmas Shopping That Is Done: Ninety. I think.
Percentage Of Purchased Christmas Presents That Are Wrapped: Ninety. I think.
Location Of Said Wrapped Christmas Presents: Dining room table.
Now we simply do it to add ceremony to the oath-administering process, with the intended result of making folks think twice before they commit perjury.
Reason Presents Populate Dining Table: The tree is still in its box; I haven't had time to put it up. I have been concentrating on shopping.
Christmas Present I Bought For TG: A light-gray tee bearing these words in distressed white lettering: Here I am. Now what were your other two wishes?
He does not really want to know the answer to that question.
Something I Actually Heard Someone Say Yesterday: "He has a new leash on life!"
I hope he's happy with the life he's leading.
Funniest Thing That Happened To Me At Work Today: I asked the deponent to raise his right hand so that I could place him under oath. Only thing is, he doesn't have a right hand. So he raised his hook. Honest.
How Embarrassed I Was In That Moment: Extremely. Must admit, that was a first for me. (Not the being embarrassed part ... that was approximately the one trillion million gazillionth time for that.) I was embarrassed that I had asked a handless man to raise his hand. Wouldn't you have been?
Number Of Times I Have Sworn A Witness Who Had Only One Hand: Two. The other time was about three years ago. But as it was his left hand that was missing, I had no cause to ask him to raise something that did not exist, and hence was not embarrassed.
By the way ... does anyone know why a witness is asked to raise his or her right hand when preparing to render sworn testimony?
Anyone? Anyone?
It's because during the Dark Ages, if you were a known criminal, you were branded on the right palm so that in the unfortunate event you were involved in subsequent legal proceedings, it would be obvious to the judge that you'd been around the block a time or five.
Now we simply do it to add ceremony to the oath-administering process, with the intended result of making folks think twice before they commit perjury.
Percentage Of The Time This Actually Works: No one knows, but I suspect it's in the ten to fifteen range. Just a guess.
Number Of Depositions I Have Reported Since September 3, 2008: Thirty-three. With five more to be done between tomorrow and December 15th.
For me, as I am essentially lazy, that is a lot. That is many. That is pretty close to too many.
And yes, I have personally typed and proofread every word, every line, every page of them all.
Number Of Pages I Have Typed And Proofread In The Last Ninety Days: One Thousand Eight Hundred Fifty Nine.
Number Of Hours I Have Spent Driving To, Returning From, Or Reporting Deposition Proceedings Within The Last Ninety Days: Two Hundred Thirty Seven.
Date My Notary Commission Expires, If I Don't Expire First: July 14, 2014.
How Old I Will Be On That Date: None of your beeswax.
What I Must Have Right Now: Sleep.
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Monday, December 8, 2008 at 09:44PM 
Without a doubt, O Holy Night is my favorite Christmas song. I know I am not alone in this. Tomorrow, if you're not too frazzled with Christmas preparations, make it a point to ask ten random people the title of their favorite Christmas song.