Give me a gold star
I paid a visit to the DEE EM VEE last week.
It was time for my driver's license to be renewed.
The last time I showed up in person for that was more than fifteen years ago.
In the interim, I had renewed it by mail.
Ergo, my picture was fifteen years old.
Anyway, I had anxiety about going there and I kept putting it off.
In the end I decided that I wanted my license to have been issued on 02/22/2022.
Because that's cool.
And I'll have to renew it yet again on 02/22/2030, if God gives me that many more years.
I will say that at that time, I will not be able to read the third line of numbers.
I could barely read it this time! Although I have zero problems with seeing to drive during the day.
And unless it is unavoidable (unlikely and ever so rarely), I no longer drive at night.
I'm not sure if you've heard, but a regular driver's license is soon to be deemed not good enough if you wish to avail yourself of certain commonly engaged-in activities.
Says our government -- who we KNOW are only here to help. Pardon me while I smirk.
As in, according to the Department of Homeland Security's web site: On May 3, 2023, U.S. travelers must be REAL EYE DEE compliant to board domestic flights and access certain federal facilities.
(So does that mean that the form of identification you have been using since you were first licensed to drive, which was perfectly acceptable wherever such cards were required to be produced, was not in fact real?)
(And does anyone besides me think that this new requirement constitutes egregious quasi-totalitarian overreach? Anyone? Bueller?)
At any rate, if you aspire to be Tiffany Takeoff or Aaron Plane after the designated date, using DHS's interactive tool, you can find out if you'll be REAL EYE DEE Ready.
Oh, I was REAL EYE DEE Ready all right, thanks to having downloaded the South Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles form that told me everything I would need to take with me. Plus, TG helped me figure out what it said.
It was a happy thing that, in addition to my existing driver's license, I was able to put my hands on my birth certificate, my marriage license, my Voter Registration card, my Social Security card, recent mail from the SSA corroborating my current address, a baby picture, my newborn footprint, my first grade report card, my baptism certificate, my church membership letter, my library card, my high school yearbook, my college diploma, my Johnny Depp Fan Club card, my AAA Plus card, my Kroger Plus card, my CVS ExtraCare card, my TJ Maxx credit card, my hip replacement X-ray card, my lucky rabbit's foot, my Professional Pirate Particulars card, et cetera.
Because I was carded needed all of those things, plus twenty-five dollars.
(Don't forget to remember at this point that I am given to hyperbole solely for the purpose of stringing you along keeping things interesting.)
(However, I do admit to more than a modicum of curiosity as I collected all of these various forms of proving who I am, as to how certain folks circulating in our society -- you know, the ones against whom we are committing an unspeakable crime of disinclusivity by expecting them to identify themselves and confirm their residence when they show up at the voting booth -- WILL come up with what they need to get a REAL EYE DEE by May 3, 2023.)
(I mean, for example, isn't that R A C I S T? And what if your birth certificate is in a language that no one at the DEE EM VEE can read? What then? Will it be Green Card or Temporary- or Work-Visa time, which forms of ID will suffice in lieu of all the forms of ID and proof of name and place of birth and residence that we mere American citizens must produce? And what if you have neither/none of those, because you're here illegally? Maybe a piece of mail containing your Section Eight address, together with your EE BEE TEE and SNAP cards, will do the trick?)
I guess the answers of those burning questions are written in some book somewhere, but swine will do swan dives before you and I are allowed to peruse its pages.
But if I correctly interpret the information available to me, such people wlll not be able to board an airplane or enter a federal building or gain access to a United States military installation without the REAL EYE DEE.
So they'd better get cracking, if they want to avoid long lines.
At any rate, TG and I are covered. He got his gold star REAL EYE DEE two years ago.
When I showed up at the DEE EM VEE, the level of parking lot population showed that it was only medium crowded.
I first had to go to a window where I was given a number and some papers, and asked to reveal why I was there. Behind the glass was an unsmiling person of the male persuasion, perhaps thirty years of age.
When the words REAL EYE DEE came out of my mouth, the jaded young man sat back wearily and said: Do you have your birth certificate?
Aww bless his heart, I thought. He hears no a lot.
Yes, I responded. I did not say, I'm one of the sharper ones. I did however reiterate: I have everything you could possibly want or need, and then some. Do you want to see it?
No, he said. Next!
Then I was directed to grab a clipboard and sit down and fill out the papers.
It wasn't long before my number was called: Now serving number C327. Please report to Window Number Thirteen.
The lady at Window Number Thirteen was neither frosty nor warm; she was just as polite (loose interpretation of that word) as she was required to be, and not one iota of a degree more inviting.
(However, I'll love her forever because she let me read that third line of numbers several times, until I got them right.)
And then I paid my money and collected my boxful of irreplaceable personal memorabilia, then lugged it over to another area where they call you up so that they can take your picture.
I wasn't seated four minutes before I heard Jenny the PIRAAAATE!
Just kidding. What I heard was WEBER!!!
I jumped up and went to the counter. This lady's middle name was congenial. Hi sweetheart! she chirped. Consulting her screen, she opined that my birthdate had to be a mistake, but I assured her that I really was born on March the seventh.
We chatted about this and that, and she took three pictures of me before she liked one and pronounced it cute. You can't even tell I'm blind.
I do not recall why this subject came up, but I told her that I had not had been stopped for a traffic violation since --
Well. I was loath to say when it had last been, lest I jinx it, so I just said, Let's put it this way: it was not in this century.
Way to go, the super-nice DEE EM VEE picture-taker affirmed. And you're smart not to say any more than that.
We had an accord. And then, Bob's your uncle, I had my REAL EYE DEE.
Good to go, as it were.
So I did, and as I drove away I was thanking God profusely for how easy it had all been, and for the fact that I had my REAL EYE DEE in time to brandish it at the gate of Vance Air Force Base the following week, and that the onerous chore was behind me.
Then, as I was taking a slight right branch-off type turn, an SUV coming towards me was frantically flashing its brights.
Whaaaaaa? I thought, and then I saw it: a police car sitting fifty yards (and closing) ahead on the shoulder, facing me.
I was not speeding in the least but you'd better believe I checked to make sure, because I had just ten minutes before bragged about not having been stopped since the latter part of the twentieth century.
And as much as I would have liked to wave my brand spanking new REAL EYE DEE under the officer's nose, I was glad to defer that experience to another day.
It was a moot point: the police car didn't budge and I steered the Cadillac to our new Hobby Lobby and then on back to the house, hitting nothing and thanking my lucky gold stars every inch of the way.
And that is all for now.
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Happy Monday :: Happy March