So last Saturday night, I made the executive decision that TG and I would order pizza for dinner.
I Had just gotten Home from being out of town. Cooking was out of the question.
Because I was out of energy.
But I mustered enough mojo to bring up the Hungry Howie's website and peruse the menu.
Howie's is approximately two point five miles from our House so I figured TG would be game to cruise over -- as He usually does -- and pick up the prize.
Right away I clicked on "DEALS" because who doesn't like a deal, and I immediately zeroed in on "10 Buck Tuesday" which sounds a lot like Timbuktu, a word (if not a location) I really like, and ten bucks is a nice round figure.
Also I thought "ant toppings" sounded interesting, but you can't double them so that was a minus. Also being a pepperoni fiend, I felt ant toppings would not suffice.
Eventually I was forced to admit (and rue the fact) that it was not Tuesday. It was Saturday.
So I started where I always start: Pepperoni Plus on a butter crust.
Then I remembered that TG is not as wild about pepperoni as me, but no worries. The website lets you go through a process whereby you pick a whole 'nother set of toppings for "H2" or the "Second Half" of your pizza.
I clicked on X-Large (which is the size a Large pizza used to be) and proceeded to survey my many options.
They made it easy and I picked "Meat Eaters" for the second Half, which would add beef, Ham, and sausage to the pepperoni already there.
Easy as pizza pie.
My virtual cart loaded up, I proceeded to checkout. The order read thusly:
1 X-Large H1-Pepperoni/H2-Meat Butter Crust
Simple. Straightforward. Uncomplicated. Half one and Half two. But wait.
Before I could click on "Submit," the website wanted a credit card number. Only, I didn't want to give them a credit card number.
When you call in a pizza order by phone, you don't Have to give a credit card number.
I imagine with online ordering this is a built-in prankster-resistant measure.
Sigh.
So I called Hungry Howie's. But wait.
What you don't know about me is, I Have for years been unable to order from Hungry Howie's by phone.
It's, like, lore in our family that if I pick up the phone and call Hungry Howie's, I get into some sort of trouble or other. So I almost always talk one of the kids into doing it for me.
It's as if a communications forcefield exists between me and whoever answers the phone at Hungry Howie's.
In virtually every case I Have either misinterpreted the coupon, or Have attempted to use a coupon that is expired, or am reading from another restaurant's menu, or Have misconstrued a menu item, or Have accidentally reached someone in Timbuktu, or Have temporarily lost the ability to comprehend the complex concept of ordering pizza over the phone.
But it only Happens with Hungry Howie's. Bellacino's? No problem. Pizza Hut? Smooth as silk. Papa John's? Easier than falling off a log. Marco's? Bring it on. Domino's? Ditto.
But I was Hungry Hungry and more than Halfway there. So I called Hungry Howie's.
It went pretty well until I read my as-yet un-placed online order directly off the website to the very nice young man at the other end of the line:
1 X-Large H1-Pepperoni/H2-Meat Butter Crust
I don't remember precisely what was said but for some reason my order was unintelligible to Him.
He began to utter sounds of confusion and even to argue with me about my order.
In an attempt to explain the source of the problem, He said:
"Here it's not, like, the same as ordering online."
?????
"But surely it is the same menu," I pointed out.
"Well I Have never Heard of Meat Eaters," he said.
"You know. Carnivores," I said.
"Huh? Huh?" He said.
Um.
It took at least ten minutes for us to get on the same page. However, we managed it.
Everybody seemed Happy.
But as it turned out we were in different books.
During the arduous telephone-ordering process TG Had thrown in a monkey wrench of His own:
"Order it delivery," He shouted up the stairs where I was camped out in the guest room. "I don't feel like driving over there."
So when the nice young man said "Pick-Up or Delivery?"
I said, "Delivery, please."
And He provided me with a total that included a delivery charge, and He said:
"Your pizza will be delivered in one Hour."
"A whole Hour?" I said, feeling faint. It was already seven thirty. I'd been slaving over that Hot pizza order for a Half Hour.
"Yes ma'am," He said without a trace of regret in His voice.
"Okay," I said. I figured if I lay still on the guest room bed and made no sudden movements, I could keep body and soul together for sixty minutes.
I wouldn't Have the strength to get to the door and Hand over the cash for our pizza but TG could do that.
I commenced to wait.
Ninety minutes elapsed. I may or may not Have been delirious by that time.
At nine o'clock, practically Hallucinating, I called Hungry Howie's. Again.
"Hey," I said. "So when you say Hang on for an Hour you really mean an Hour and a Half -- or longer -- and I'd just like to know, do you plan on delivering our pizza in this calendar year?"
I may or may not Have employed sarcasm.
The young man -- different from the one in a galaxy far, far away who Had somehow despite outsized difficulties managed to take our order -- asked for my name, which I gave.
"Your pizza is a Pick-Up order," He said.
"No it isn't," I said.
"According to this it is," He said.
"Why was I told you would deliver it in one Hour if it was a pick-up order?" I said.
"I don't know ma'am. We Have a lot of orders tonight," He said.
Do you want to know what Happened?
TG went to pick up a Hot freshly-made second pizza (because the first Had been parked on the warming shelf at Hungry Howie's for over an Hour).
But guess what?
The powers-that-be at Hungry Howie's sent Him Home with both pizzas. One was marked "OLD" in black pen on the box. The other was marked "NEW" and it was nice and Hot.
I nearly ate the box. The one marked "NEW." That's How Hungry I was for Howie's and besides, it was Hotter.
And get this: No Charge Whatsoever. For either pizza.
Hooray. Hallelujah. High Five.
Hungry Howie's on Speed Dial.
Leftovers for supper.
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Happy Monday ~ Happy Week
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Wednesday, March 19, 2014 at 09:44AM 
