Non-Renewable And Inflation-Proof

There are several things The Gregory and I will not tolerate from one another. Some you might be able to figure out, but one may surprise you: we are both wholeheartedly opposed to wedding vow renewal.

(One thing I myself will not allow -- but which The Gregory does not seem to mind contemplating when his own time comes -- is the viewing of my remains after my soul leaves my body. I have threatened to haunt whomever subjects me to this humiliation, and I will make good on that promise if I have to. The very thought of someone ... anyone! ... commenting on my hair and makeup after it has been "done" by a mortician, is infra dig to the millionth power. It just will not do.)

As to vow renewal ... where, oh where shall I begin? Okay ... let's start with the obvious. On June 16, 1979, The Gregory and I exchanged wedding vows in a church before an ordained minister and over 100 assembled guests. It was all very legal and permanent in nature; through lips numb with nervousness I'm pretty sure we agreed to stay married until one of us dies. It wasn't like getting a driver's license, which in time has to be renewed. I would even go so far as to say that the vows we took are NON-RENEWABLE, since they have no expiration date except for the eventual, inevitable expiration of either me or him, after which I think you will agree that renewing the vows would be a waste of time. This is an infinitely and elegantly simple concept, made all the more so by the fact that it is non-negotiable.

Not that we are completely without recourse in the unlikely event that we experience marital strife. If things get rough, I personally concur with whomever first said: Divorce? I do not believe in divorce. Murder, yes; divorce, no.

Now, I realize it's cold in the Midwest and a lot of people suffer from cabin fever at this time of year, and I like to think that's at least partially to blame for the type of nonsense that took place in Grove City, Ohio, this very week. Several couples had planned to get together at their church on Valentine's Day where they would take part in a "recommitment service." Only problem was, one lady who wanted to participate could not because her husband was away on a business trip.

Anyone besides me see the humor in this? Mrs. Smith wanted to renew their vows -- and who knows, maybe Mr. Smith did too -- but when it came time to actually do it, he couldn't commit. He was out of town. In absentia. AWOL, y'all. But his wife attended the ceremony anyway, planning to serve as "matron of honor" for her friends whose husbands were sufficiently committed to show up at the recommitment service.

As if all of that were not exhausting enough, imagine Mrs. Smith's surprise when her "friends" presented her with an inflatable "groom," complete with little tux and festive boutonniere, as a "stand-in" for her missing husband. They even thought to tape a picture of her husband's face over the air apparent's blank noncommittal stare (presumably so that she could really get lost in the romance of the moment when he recommitted to her).

I know if I were all dressed up and surrounded by our friends, in our church, ready to renew my wedding vows, clutching an inflatable doll with The Gregory's picture where the face goes, I would feel exactly as though my husband of 29 years were by my side promising once again to love me forever! I would want lots of pictures, plus a two-carat, three-stone diamond "recommitment" band. Just in case he later wanted to run (or float) away with a younger, prettier inflatable chickie-babe doll.

The questions that nag at me are these: How could Mrs. Smith "recommit" to an inflatable doll she was never married to in the first place ... even if it did resemble her husband? If she repeated vows to the doll, is it now her husband and she its wife? Does she have a decent lawyer? Do her children like their new stepfather and will they maintain a relationship with their dad? Where did the newlyweds spend their honeymoon?

I hope they went to Southern California where such behavior is accepted and even encouraged. Last but not least, I hope the bride remembered to pack a portable air pump.

Comments

[Audrey]

LOL! That was hysterical. I happen to agree with you on that wedding vow renewal stuff. As for viewing your remains...I had no idea you felt that way. Glad I read this because I don't wanted to be haunted by any ghost. Well, I might make an exception if it was Johnny's...just sayin'.

[Jenny]

Oh yeah ... Johnny's ghost I could handle. You've never heard me hold forth vociferously on how much I will get back at you all if you have a "wake" for me? The mere thought of it gives me the willies. Put me in a pine box, bury me, then have a party with a large beautiful portrait of me prominently displayed. Talk about how funny/weird/neurotic I was and eat lots of sweets. That's how I want to be remembered.