Not a dry eye in the house

My Clear eyes. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010Okay ... here's the thing.

Of all the maladies from which I do not suffer, Chronic Dry Eye is one.

I make quite enough of my own tears, thank you.

But I want to all-out sob ... and/or run out of the room ... when this commercial for Restasis comes on the TV.

At first I was merely agog (that's, like, all big-eyed) at the smarminess of this ad. Upon closer scrutiny, I became genuinely creeped out.

Now I watch the ad closely ... but only out of morbid fascination, while remaining fiercely loyal to Clear eyes Maximum Redness Relief.

Not, I imagine, what the drug company was going for when putting together an ad for their fancy eye drops.

First there's Dr. Alison Tendler ... a South Dakota cataract surgeon who was compensated for her contribution to the ad.

Duh.

Dr. Tendler is eerily cute and young looking, with eyes so huge one wonders if they were not widened by the miracle of computer generation.

I don't see any toothpicks, so that must be it.

This person comes across like a backward zombie.

Then the way they arranged her hair, all girl-Doogie-Howserish, all look-Mom-no-tanglesish, is so obvious. Her look screams: "You have nothing to fear from my needles and scalpels and lasers because I'm actually twelve and I can't even spell ophthalmologist."

Then there's the spooky way she talks. Has she been drinking Restasis? Or perhaps a vodka gimlet? Did she perchance ingest a hyperdose of Cata Tonic? She sounds as though she's about to slide out of the screen into a relaxed heap on the floor.

But when she does, her eyes will still be open. Wide, wide open like Teddy Roosevelt's nostrils on that other famously expressionless South Dakotan landmark.

Then there's her "patient" ... who I suspect was also handsomely compensated.

Duh.

Vaguely and unsettlingly androgynous, this person comes across like a backward zombie when she slowly utters the classic line "Prescription ... what do I have?"

(Uhm ... you have DRY EYES, Toots.)

And when Dr. Tendler reveals -- quite suddenly and without warning -- that she too uses Restasis, this woman's hypnotic incredulity is so fake, one wonders if she's, like, really the producer's ambitious girlfriend.

"You use Restasis?" she inquires pseudo-amazedly, as though she's just discovered that Dr. Tendler keeps spare eyeballs in her lab coat pocket.

For snacking.

What ... did she expect Dr. Tendler would cop to a fondness for Visine cocktails with a Murine chaser, while the cameras were rolling?

You should hear what I have to say about many other prescription drug ads on TV. I'll bet I could entertain you for at least as long as it took Dr. Tendler and her "patient" to learn their scintillating lines between mugfuls of mulled Restasis.

Comments

[Mari]

It's quite an ad! And I agree with you about her eyes. :)

[Nancy]

OK, that's the funniest thing I've read all day... and I fully agree with you!

[rosezilla]

I mute commercials, on the rare occasions I watch t.v. (I'm a Netflix fanatic!). But this looked like an ad for "Stepford Wife Drops." Seriously creepy.

[kev]

I love how this commercial (and all prescription drug commercials, for that matter) make it a point to let us know the doctor was compensated for appearing in the commercial. Now, I know..."full disclosure" and all that, but come on. OF COURSE the doctors are compensated. Without this disclosure, was anyone REALLY going to think that Dr. Tendler, on her own, after having used Restasis, loved it SO MUCH that she hopped on a plane in South Dakota, flew to whatever state has the headquarters for whatever company owns Restasis, marched into someone's office and said:

"I *love* this product! I want to spread the word about it. Let's do a commercial. Don't worry, you won't have to compensate me. I'm doing this because I LOOOOOOOVE Restasis!"

Idiots.

But you're right, Jenny. This woman's eyes creep me out.

[Cheryl]

I made a visit to my eye doctor yesterday. To my amazement, he did not prescribe anything and said that my eyes looked normal. WHAT? My last eye doctor said I had low pressure glaucoma. I ask you this, who can you trust, Jennifer?????

I think I will come down and let you check me out. I am going right out and buying
Clear eyes Maximum Redness Relief. Maybe that will help my dry eyes. Wait! Maybe I am not crying enough. =)

[Skunkfeathers]

After the commercial, The Outer Limits theme music begins, and the gud doktor removes her mask to reveal...ET...."the e.y.e.sssss haveeeeee it..."

[Sydney]

I've doubled back to read this several times because it's just too funny. I think I've been thinking the same thing about this creepy ad, but not completely comprehending its weirdness until you dissected it. Now I can't watch the ad at all without chuckling...

[Keli]

I don't watch commercials for this reason. They all creep me out! It used to be they were somewhat entertaining, but the ones that have to do with prescriptive stuff are by far the worst!!!