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Scream of consciousness
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 12:44AM 
Kia Soul. Photo Jennifer Weber 2010Sometimes you just have to say what's on your mind. Or at least part of it. The part you can spare.
For me, this is one of those times.
If you don't like that kind of thing, here's your cue to click out the same way you clicked in. I never promised you a rose garden. Au contraire.
o_O
This is going to sound whiny, but why-oh-why can't folks get the words "breathe" and "breath" straight? People! You can't "lose your breathe" … well, I guess you can, and if you do may God be with you, but you cannot write it that way and appear intelligent. "Breathe" is a verb. "Breath" is a noun. Please be advised.
Same with "loose" and "lose" … good grief. Consult a dictionary. If you are truly unable to distinguish between those two one-syllable words, you should not have been promoted out of fourth grade. If you are a third grader, I forgive you. Just this once.
o_O
I will never understand certain automobiles. Kia, for example. Today I saw a Kia Soul. It looks like a miniature hearse. Why would anyone drive that? Especially in black? Please, if you know the answer, leave a comment or send me an email. I will try to keep an open mind.
o_O
The elderly-ish receptionist at the law firm where I spent the day today told me so many times that her favorite color was blue, I was beginning to think she had neglected to take her medication. "Almost all my clothes are blue, except the ones that are black. My dishes are blue," she said. "Kind of like Wedgwood blue."
We do not give every time we are asked, but we give every time we can.
To make conversation, I asked if she likes Delft. Her brow knit and she appeared confused. Moving on quickly, I told her about my granddaughter's sapphire-blue eyes. She told me that her husband has asked her repeatedly why everything in their house has to be blue. She said she finally threw in some yellow to make him stand down on the subject.
I'll bet he doesn't forget to take his medication.
Another elderly lady on staff at the same law firm -- which was chockablock with really nice, chatty, older people -- ergo, I fit right in -- was wearing a sweater that brought to mind those chocolate cupcakes with the white icing loops on top.
Now I can't stop thinking about those.
"Two to a pack!" she exclaimed when I commented on it. Her eyes were very blue.
I do believe most people are lonely. Lonelier than we imagine.
o_O
This is going to sound mean and honestly I don't intend it that way, because I am truly sorry about what happened in Haiti, but I am getting tired of being hit up at every single cash register in Christendom for a dollar for the Red Cross. No matter what they say, I do not believe every one of those dollars being collected goes directly to the needy in Haiti. Somebody somewhere is skimming.
And when is the last time you heard anyone ask for a single cent to save even one unborn baby slated for destruction in an abortion mill right here in America? Who needs third-world earthquakes to kill children?
After fielding that lady-can-you-spare-a-buck question half a dozen times the other day, I visited a store that was working a new angle: collecting for diabetes research.
When I declined -- yet again -- to contribute, muttering grumpily that I was really quite OVER being asked to donate a dollar to something or other every time I made a purchase, the cashier stopped what she was doing, looked right at me and said, solemnly: "We do not give every time we are asked, but we give every time we can."
Dare to be different.
Who's "we"? Had she a ferret behind her back? And since when is a lecture -- however brief -- on charitable philanthropy part of the retail check-out process? May I please opt out of the paint-you-with-the-guilt-brush-as-you-selfishly-buy-something-for-yourself phase of my shopping experience? Thanks ever so.
At Walgreens they take it a step further … in the wrong direction. After asking if you want to give to the Red Cross, they start pointing to various items cluttering the counter -- chewing gum, batteries, et cetera -- so much stuff there's barely room to stack up the merchandise you've already decided to buy -- and asking if you're "sure" you don't need any of it. When you say yes, you're sure, they ask if you're "sure" you shopped long enough and hard enough in their store and didn't "miss out" on the many great deals.
Do I look as though I need to be counseled in the shopping arts? At Walgreens? Do I look as though I am blind or no longer in my right mind? Do I look as though this is my first rodeo, folks? Do I?
o_O
Ladies, ladies, ladies. When you are large, you do not look good in pants. Even if you are not large, most of you do not look as good as you think. In pants, that is. Must blue jeans and khakis and sweat garments be the national uniform for females? Can we think beyond the tattered rim of that well-worn brown paper bag, just for a mo?
May I make a wee suggestion? Conceal the exact coordinates -- not to mention the topography -- of your girly goodies and allow your pretty ankles to see the light of day.
No matter what everyone else is wearing. Dare to be different.
Innocent people all around you are hoping to arrive alive.
And lots of you should wash your hair daily, whether you are convinced it needs it or not, and while you are scrubbing maybe even consider getting it cut into a real, actual style.
Discover hair color while you're at it.
Also, learn to apply a smidge of makeup. Would a flick of mascara, a jot of powder, a scintilla of lipstick kill you?
If any or all of the above comes across as snarky, well, that's what I was going for. Forgive me, but honestly, the view could improve. Women are supposed to be feminine and pretty. And modest in appearance.
I didn't make the rules so don't get mad at me.
If you don't know how to fix yourself up, ask someone to teach you. Make an effort.
o_O
Men at church, stop touching ladies to whom you are not related. That sly little side-hug and shoulder-squeeze with optional pull-away back-rub to which you help yourself in the name of fellowship? It's not okay. For the sake of Christian propriety -- or, failing that, simply to behave like a gentleman (imagine!), -- do not touch any woman unless she extends her hand to be taken (gently, there are rings), or generously offers to hug you for reasons known only to her and God.
While we're on the subject of men at church, I would like to add that if you are separated from your wife and/or in the process of getting a divorce, sir, you should not take that as a sign to begin looking over the field of single women in the congregation and forming designs on one of them, and sharing the fact of your budding interest with others until, incredibly, it's more or less common knowledge that you're attracted to someone other than your out-of-sight-out-of-mind wife.
o_O
If you'd like for me to calm down, the last thing in the world you want to do is tell me to calm down.
o_O
I get to criticize my kids, but you don't. Get to criticize them, that is. At least not to my face. Or my ear. This means YOU, unless you are TG. He gets to say whatever he wants. Whisper it to me, darling.
o_O
I have seen two horrendous car accidents on I-26 in the last five days. I wish people would slow down, or pay attention, or something. Whatever it takes. Be more careful. Put the phone away. Concentrate on your driving. Innocent people all around you are hoping to arrive alive.
o_O
If you are a person with hiring authority within an organization, and somebody goes through proper channels to submit a resume for your consideration of their qualifications for a job within said organization, it's rude and dismissive to answer that inquiry via a relative of theirs you just happen to see while out and about the countryside.
You don't have to do it all at once.
Dig deep! Summon from somewhere within your amazing self the decency and class and professionalism to contact the job applicant yourself -- even if you are chummy with their cousin -- and speak to them directly about the matter. Do it as a sign of respect for the fact that someone thought enough of you to consider working for you.
Just so you know, it's not cute or funny or acceptable to do it any other way. It makes you look very weak, if you really want the truth. No matter who you are, or how important, or how sought after, or how necessary to the process, or how much a mover and shaker, you perceive yourself to be. Tres, tres gauche, n'est-ce pas?
o_O
I'm getting very tired of being jerked around by folks who make their living in "full time Christian service." Just saying! Nobody likes to be manipulated or patronized, but I admit to a less-than-impressive tolerance for being talked down to, or smarmed into near-oblivion, in the name of God. Just because you collect your pay from a church, doesn't make you Him. Not even close.
And before you go away thinking I'm one of those rebels, think again. I'm more in tune with the concept of pastoral authority and God-ordained chain of command than most people. But I've been around the block a time or two when it comes to ecclesiastical sleight of hand, and with certain all-too-common practices I'm approaching my limit. Dangerously near, one might say. As in, stand back.
For a refreshing change, church leaders, how's about letting all that rampant piety work itself into a modicum of propriety? Just a random idea. You don't have to do it all at once. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Baby steps.
o_O
Cruel rumors of Johnny Depp's untimely demise are premature. He's alive and pretty as ever.
o_O
That is all.
For now.
Reader Comments (13)
That was a lot of thoughts! Too many for me to comment on them all :) However I agree! And I'm glad I don't live where you do, because the Red Cross isn't hitting us up here, and our Walgreens isn't either. We did a special collection in church because we have a medical team going down, and there are other ways we can give. It reminds me of Christmas time, when every store you go into has the Salvation Army in front of it. It's a good cause - but not every time I enter a store!
There are some of us who would drive a hearse before we would drive a Kia. =) Thanks for all the thoughts that echo mine - glad I'm not alone!
@ Mari ... exactly. I have no problem with donating to a good cause, but when I start to feel flim-flammed, something's got to give.
@ Laura ... ha ha, I know how you are about hearses and a certain handsome young man who drives one. You're his shotgun-riding hearse babe! LOL
A post filled with wall-to-wall rants and random thoughts? I love it. With so many thoughts, I can't possibly respond to each one in a single comment. So, in no particular order:
I think a possible motivation for buying a Kia Soul, specifically a black one, is BECAUSE it looks so much like a hearse. With "Twilight" and all things "vampire" being all the rage these days, dead is "in" my friend.
...
I'm proud to say I do not belong in the touchy-feely group of church men. Quite, quite the opposite. If a lady reaches out her hand (for a handshake) or her arms (for a hug), I run in the opposite direction.
You can't touch me if you can catch me.
That last sentence should read CAN'T catch me.
As you were.
@ Kev ... wall-to-wall rant ... that's how I roll! Love it! That's a good point you make about the Kia Soul. I mean, why else make a car that looks like a hearse and call it a Soul? Creeeeepy.
Can't touch you if they can't catch you ... makes perfect sense! Sounds like a plan.
After reading your posts, I think I am in love :) Seriously, so glad to hear honest, frank opinions even though I may not agree with them. Also, you are witty and have a great sense of humor. Keep writing!
@ Twyla ... try to stop me! From writing that is. The ship sailed long ago. And forgive me for falling all over you, but it's been awhile since we had a new victim ... er, make that READER ... at IHATH. Welcome, and don't be a stranger!
Well who jumped up and bit you on the hiney?! LOL! You know I"m kidding.
You also know that I totally agree with all of those points. Love the ranting.
@ Audrey ... I know ... that should have been half a dozen posts instead of one post ... LOLOL
Wow! What an action-packed, chock full of pearls of wisdom post! My favorite line: "Make an effort." Oh, and I so agree: do show some class and think now and then; at least to remind us that we are all of the same genus. Please.
Great rant, LOL. I agree with every single point.
Now, where did I loose my pen? (Just kidding!!!)
@ Keli ... I know YOU make more than an effort, sweet pea! And I'm sure it's much appreciated by all onlookers.
@ Josephine ... Awwww, did you loose your pen? Breath easy! It'll eventually turn up! Meantime don't be caught dead driving a Kia Soul!