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You've Got The Floor
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 02:44PM 
Y'all won't believe what I did today.
If you happen to be issue of my womb, you might want to sit down because this is going to shock you.
I mopped the kitchen floor ... and the floors of two bathrooms.
Now, lest you non-issue-of-my-womb readers think I'm a slob, allow me to elaborate.
It's not that I never clean my house. I do. It's just that, well ... I'm awfully busy and it tends to slip my mind. If you ever have the distinctly uninteresting experience of being a guest in my home, it's not the kind of place you leave and say (or even think) "You could eat off the floors in that place!" It's the kind of place where, as soon as you walk in the door and I say hello, the next words out of my mouth are likely to be: "Make yourself at home!"
The water got all cloudy right on cue and the sudsy part was coming along nicely, so I left the room.
Which sounds all nice and hostessy but in Weberese is synonymous with either "I now invite you to fend for yourself" or "You're on your own, buddyroe" ... whichever directive makes you feel more warm and fuzzy.
Now, if you visit you are as welcome to eat off the floor as you can possibly be. Javier does it all the time. But I would not recommend it. For onesies, we have lots of perfectly clean dishes for the purpose of eating from. They are in the cabinet above and to the right of the sink. Glassware is over on the other side. If there's one thing I do, it's keep the dishes clean. But the same rule applies: Helpee Selfee!
For twosies, you might as well know going in that, in keeping with the fact that I'm a blue-star mother, my style of housecleaning tends to be of the "wing and a prayer" variety. My kitchen floor is roughly a fourth of an acre of ceramic tile that I did not pick out, and oddly it's a light-colored marble-ey pattern that never looks either clean or dirty. It always looks both. O the mystery! So what I do is, each day when I change out my dishcloth and dish towels (I can't stand it if they've been in use for more than a day), before I kick them downstairs bound for the laundry, I do a quick visual check and use them to wipe up the stray coffee dribbles -- or anything else suspiciously sticky-looking -- I might see on the floor.
Oh, and I do sweep up a couple times a week. Sometimes I actually use a dustpan but that's a lot of work. Generally I open the door to the deck and sweep it out there, then off to the side, down onto the ground. It's only a few crumbs and a teaspoon of dust! This way there's less in the landfills.
I have a Swiffer thingie but TG broke the handle and so far I have not been motivated to replace it. Maybe that's because I never used it! The moistened cloths got all dry after about two years.
My bathroom floors (two of the three are very small and the one that's not small is upstairs so I make the kids "clean" it) get a similar glance-and-swipe treatment with paper towels and a spritz of whatever cleaner happens to be under the sink. When I remember, that is. I told you ... I'm busy! House cleaning is not my thing. When my first six-figure advance on that novel I'm writing comes in the mail, the first thing I'm doing is hiring a housekeeper. Well, after I set up a money-market account and wipe out the Little Debbie shelves at Wal-Mart. Then I'm hopping a plane and going wherever in the "wold" Johnny is and stalking him until he gives me his autograph and lets me take his picture. With me beside him. I've heard he always rubs your back when posing for a photo with you. Jay? Can you confirm? (Jay's a woman, by the way ... a woman as changing and harsh and untameable as the sea ... and she's met Johnny three times).
But I digress.
The last time I really and truly mopped the kitchen floor -- with every intention of using an actual mop -- I put a stopper in one side of the sink (I'm too lazy to haul out a mop bucket and besides, walking back and forth to the sink is good exercise), chugged in a bunch of Pine Sol (original ... accept no substitutes), and let the water run on hot. The water got all cloudy right on cue and the sudsy part was coming along nicely, so I left the room.
I went downstairs to my desk, where I promptly got distracted. I get distracted in less time than it takes for a cell to divide.
When I got distracted from what had distracted me (yes ... it is a vicious cycle), I moseyed back through the family room and heard water running. Ruh Roh. What to my wondering eye should appear upon entering my kitchen but a puddle beneath the sink, reaching several feet out into the floor. About three gallons, I'd guesstimate.
I sprinted for the cabinet where I keep big fluffy pool towels and grabbed an armful. I turned off the water and started throwing the towels down. It was real good arm exercise to wring them out in the sink! Then when I'd gotten most of the water up, I "walked" the rest of it around the kitchen on a towel, just cleaning up a storm! It was lots more fun than using a mop and it was a totally original idea. The folks at 911 did not put me up to it.
Of course, the next day I felt like I'd competed in the first leg of the Tour de France.
Anyway, the floors are sparkling now and the air is pleasingly redolent of housewifery, if you like that fake pine foresty smell, which I do ... and today I used a genuine mopping device.
This squeaky-clean experience will last approximately until Andrew comes home from work and walks the length of the kitchen, tracking in whatever's clinging to his work boots.
I'll sigh but I won't say anything because I've got other fish to fry, y'all. Other mighty fine fish to fry. When may I expect you?
Reader Comments (9)
Can I confirm that Johnny always rubs your back when posing for a photograph? Well, no, but I can confirm that he did for me, and that if there aren't too many people about you'll get a very fine bear hug too! *Deep sigh*
But back to your post. Sounds as if mopping the floor to you is as cooking is to me. I loathe cooking, and when people come to stay, it's usually a case of 'there's the fridge, there's the larder, help yourself', though I usually rouse myself to cook once during their visit. Lazy? Moi? No, I'm assured this is hospitality, Southern style. LOL!
I love this - "I get distracted in less time than it takes for a cell to divide." What a lovely turn of phrase!
*Depp, Depp sigh!* LOL! I knew you'd have the scoop on that one, Jay, having met him three times! Good for you ... that's wonderful. My day will come.
The words "Johnny" (as in Depp) and "bear hug" in the same sentence leave me nearly incoherent! But not quite.
I do enjoy cooking much more than I used to! I'll bet you're a great cook.
Thank you humbly for your kind compliment! High praise from a writer as excellent as you, my friend.
Oh, I can so relate! Housekeeping is not my thing either! And I can so relate to your having better things to do. But believe it or not, when I'm stuck on things to write, I vacuum and all of a sudden, my mind is flooded with ideas. Fortunately, I don't often suffer from topics as stupidity is endless.
I think you may have started a new exercise trend: "Walking the towel!"
I can't believe you said that! The part about thinking of things to write about the moment you turn on the vacuum! I half-composed this post in my mind WHILE I was mopping the floor! It's like, your nose doesn't itch until you put rubber gloves on.
Yes ... "walking the towel" will be on the Home Shopping Network before you know it. $19.95 plus shipping and handling, and you get two if you call in the next five minutes.
Glad you're back, Keli. I missed you and I'll be watching for your next highly entertaining post!
How funny!! I hate cleaning house myself. What a blessing to have two daughters at home to do it!!haha I have always said that anyone could read the menu just by looking at my kitchen floor.I find almost anything more interesting than cleaning!!
Thanks for this story, it made me giggle! I just vacuumed my room because someone is coming to visit...
@ Melissa ... girl you are a hoot! You should be blogging. Much more better than mopping ...
@ David ... giggling is one of my favorite things! I'm sure your "someone" will appreciate the vacuum. Thanks for reading!
Oh, this was funny. And hit so close to home. Man, I HATE cleaning the kitchen and bathroom (dusting and vacuuming is OK). I may actually try the "walk the towel" method next time I do my kitchen floors, which, thanks to my mother-in-law inviting herself over next Monday will be fairly soon.
And I like people to make themselves at home at my place too. I take it as a compliment when people are comfortable enough just help themselves rather than bug me for every little thing.
It is indeed a compliment when people settle in. As long as they don't go TOO far and start opening drawers and closets! LOL! Not good.
Walking the towel is a good workout ... don't forget your water bottle!