This feels stupid

Photo courtesy Balenciaga dot com

I regret being the bearer of less-than-scintillating news, but the fashion* house of Balenciaga is in a bit of a pickle.

It's been a little minute since we talked about Balenci --

Oh wait. We have never broached the subject of Balenciaga. Thus, the pirate believes it is high time.

This is one of those mucky-muck outfits that makes -- well, outfits, for those who have more money than sense, brains, taste, or moral compass.

In other words, lefties.

Cue Kimmy K's Balenciaga getup from the Met Gala on Monday night.

My conservative consciousness was raised to Balenciaga's current oochie moment upon scanning the news and learning that they had been called racist (Quelle Horreur! Imagine that!) for marketing sweatpants with a pair of jockey shorts sewn above the waistband so that it looks like said sweat garment is sagging or even in danger of falling off.

This questionable piece of clothing has had a price tag north of eleven hundred dollars.

Yes; you read that correctly! Eleven-plus Benjamins for a pair of gray sweat pants that look like they're slipping off a pair of garden-variety plaid Hanes boxers. Except the Hanes tag has been removed and a BALENCIAGA tag slapped on in its place.

(But as of today, the item is sold out. Hmmmmm.)

They've given the same treatment to a skirt (I started to say "a skirt for girls" but amended my non-pc ways just in time) for a mere $1,290! Only this time, the skirt is falling off what looks like blue jeans so I don't think anyone has their knickers in a twist about it.

Yet.

You can't fix stupid; folks. Stop trying. Turn your energies to something with at least a vague chance of success.

Some alert hair-triggered denizen of social media brought the sliding sweatpants situation to the attention of the TikTok universe by showing a picture of said offending apparel and opining in an aggrieved fashion that: 

This feels racist. This feels very racist, guys. They have woven these boxers inside the trousers.

Much censure and mockery ensued when other TikTok and even Twitter users piled on, adding their own (completely original, I'm sure) opinions on the matter.

Balenciaga was accused of, among other things, gentrifying sweatpants and appropriating black culture.

Here are a few of the indignantly aggrieved comments:

Black men being discriminated against and devalued for sagging pants and Balenciaga is profiting off the style. Crazy how it's ghetto until they put a price on it.

No way Balenciaga gentrified sagging pants.

So Balenciaga has decided to gentrify sagging: the shorts are literally sewn into the sweatpants. When we do it, it's "we're ignorant," "we're ghetto," "pull your pants up," "don't you have any home training." But when "they" do it, it's fashionable -- $1,190 worth.

They're also stone ugly. Not to mention egregiously overpriced by roughly $1,180, plus tax. Which in and of itself is a crime against humanity. 

Nevertheless, the pirate's interest was piqued enough by the online kerfuffle to take a gander at Balenciaga's website.

Turns out they have more problems than those saggy sweatpants. And more ugly clothes than either you or I have had hot dinners.

For one thing, nearly ALL of the clothes -- like, 99.9999% -- are unsightly. In fact, most of them are ridiculous. And ridiculously expensive.

Take a look at these Knotted Sweatpants which appear to have a sweatshirt sewn into the back waistband so that the empty sleeves hang down your legs. Asking price: $1,250.

Don't knock one another down queueing up for a pair of those.

But if you do, to go with them, perhaps this Destroyed Crewneck for $1,450 will suit you.

(Hint: if you need something like this for yourself or as a gift, but lack the funds, I would be willing to head over to Goodwill, find a Fair Isle sweater, let Erica's dog destroy it, and send it to you. You'll save a bundle.)

Here's a 100% cotton t-shirt for $795. But before you hock your heirloom silver, I say go to Walmart. Buy a 100% cotton t-shirt and some electrical tape, maybe a black Sharpie for good measure. I bet you can mimic this design with little difficulty. Sibi could help but she'll be busy destroying that Fair Isle sweater.

If you hurry, you can also add a Regular Shirt in Blue to your designer wardrobe, for a mere $950. But if they run out, not to worry. They have them at Walmart too -- for $20. The tag may say Faded Glory but you can figure out a way to get around that.

As if all of that is not fascinating enough, the significant part -- to the pirate, at least -- is that many other groups have not become outraged over all of the other things the brand has brazenly and unapologetically culturally appropriated.

Like, shouldn't astronauts be apoplectic over the sale of this Space Parka in White? Also I hope you don't want one because despite the astronomical price tag of $5,050, it's out of stock.

What about vampires -- isn't this Cape Blouse in Black (a pittance at $1,590) their copyrighted creepy costume? There should be a run on turtlenecks by those buying this piece.

Don't get on the wrong side of touchy Tahitians by wearing this Women's Pareo Shirt (only $1,050).

And best not to rattle the cage of your dry cleaner when you haul in this Dry Cleaning Shirt in White, along with the rest of your order. This clever design will set you back mere chump change in the amount of $1,450.

Leave your holster at home when you wear this Trompe-L'Oeil (meaning, it's an illusion) Denim Jacket. The price is real enough at $1,250. Cowboys will be after you with lassoes for this one, Balenciaga.

Better beware if you happen upon a painter with a paint chip on his (or her) shoulder if you dare to sport this Painter Fitted Hoodie ... after you've taken a hammer to your piggy bank, that is, because it's priced at $995. Or at least it was before it too sold out.

Balenciaga be making bank, y'all. Or at least they want us to think so.

Enough to mount a show of this Couture Collection which features what the fashion* house consider to be serious wardrobe pieces. As in, if you want to know the price, you must inquire within. But if you have to ask, you cannot afford it.

Anna Wintour is in the audience, and Ella Emhoff is one of the models. That bit of intelligence should tell you just about everything you need to know.

If you have the time and are so inclined, watch the fifteen-minute show. If nothing else, you'll be left with a deep sense of gratitude that you are not burdened with the banality of wearing what passes for high fashion.*

But don't say I didn't warn you and if afterwards you need a retina replacement, the most we can do is start a crowdfunding page.

For therapy, you're on your own. But if you're concerned about going down that road, or if you're ultra sensitive? Whatever you do, don't even look at the still photos -- especially "looks" numbered 21, 22, 50, 52, 54, 55, 58, and 61.

Sartorial splendor it definitely ain't. Although in the interest of full disclosure, I must grudgingly admit that the pirate would gladly wear look number nine.

At any rate, one can only hope that with whatever profit they make from selling these -- ahem -- ensembles, the house of Balenciaga can spring for nourishment and medical care for their models, most of whom look as though they have one foot in the grave and the other on a well-oiled skateboard, and while waiting for the undertaker, have ingested a substance that induces catatonia.

Life is too short long to be that miserable. Just saying.

And that is all for now.

*I use the term "fashion" as loosely as the baggy britches that Balenciaga is being pilloried for peddling.

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The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

 Ecclesiastes 1:9

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Happy Wednesday